sometimes motherhood blows

 

Well, what do we have here?  It looks like a tasty easter egg treat all tucked away in the grass, doesn’t it?

Right.

This here is the top of a blow pop sucker nestled in a fuzzy little fluff of carpeting.  Yeah, it’s green apple.  Isn’t green apple the best flavor of blow pop?  And yeah, my carpeting is green.  It is unfortunate and something I’ve been planning on replacing for the past 5 years that we’ve lived in this house.

For those of you that may still be wondering just what in tarnation is happening, let me fill you in on my morning.

It began much like any other day off:  my eyes blinked awake when they were ready.  It was later than a typical day since I had a bout of insomnia the evening prior and was awake until after 4:30.  My intentions for the day were to prepare the kids’ area for a few girls that are sleeping over this weekend.  I wouldn’t want these 10 year old girls thinking that we live in a dirty house and are unorganized.  No.  After fetching a morning coffee, I began the always daunting task of cleaning their toy/play area.

I gathered up 4 bags of plastic toys and dumb shit that they don’t play with anymore or that is broken….and also toys that I think are annoying.  It’s true, I’m a mother that secretly gets rid of toys.  Let’s be honest…they never even know.  I loaded them up in the car ready to be donated to Goodwill.  I managed to make it out of there with only one bag of trash as opposed to the usual 4.  Despite arming their room with 2 garbage cans, papers, beads, wrappers and goldfish crackers always ended up on the floor and all over the place.  Savages.

I made it through the session without flipping into a maniacal cleaning madwoman.  I get angry when I clean.  I do.  I curse and bitch.  I ask questions to my invisible family like ‘Did you know we own a garbage can? Have I not given you the tools to pick up after yourself? Are you fucking kidding me??’

I made it all the way through today.  I did!  It was impressive!  My finest hour!  Until I moved the couch to vacuum and saw this green eyed beast staring at me.  Oh, what’s this?  Oh…huh…oh, it’s stuck to the carpeting….Oh man…Fucking A!!!  What the fuck?!?  A Fucking blow pop?

It sent me over the edge.

It was so lodged in there…pressed in further by the couch leg.

I had to slice it out with a razorblade.  It felt good.  Maybe now we can get new carpeting?

must. resist. the. candy.

It’s here.  The day after trick or treating.  The day when the candy bowls are overflowing with the best of the best.  I’m talking Snickers bars and Butterfingers and Skittles and Tootsie Pops.  Laffy Taffy and Peanut Butter M&M’s.

I die.

I must resist.  I must resist.  I must can’t resist.

Sorry kids!  Your mom is a sugar addict and once you go outside to play she will pilfer through your bowl for the best candy and demolish it.  Then she will allow you one single piece after dinner…and then once you are sleeping cozily in your beds, she will gorge on the rest of the chocolates and taffies and sour hard candies you worked so hard to collect.

Nerd alert

Nerds. Who doesn’t love Nerds? Those little sweet and sour sugar boogers.

I love that they still sell nerds in the little box with 2 flavors. I also love that you slide the little cardboard top to open each side and shake out the little nibbles like a candy rattle.

We’ve all made the mistake of accidentally keeping the cherry side open when trying to shake watermelon into our mouths…thus shaking cherry Nerds all over our faces! Don’t tell me you haven’t. Or sometimes the box just doesn’t slide back closed like it’s designed to. But I appreciate that Mr. Wonka has held true to certain design genius.

No one wants to waste Nerds.

I remember as a kid, going to Dairy Queen, and getting Nerd Blizzards. Yeah. They don’t make those anymore. They were amazing. I can guarantee my vile dentist remembers them too…and that he writes letters to Dairy Queen, begging to bring them back.

‘The Oreo Blizzard just doesn’t pack the cavity inducing whollop that Nerds do. Please, for the livelihood of my family, I beg you, please bring back the Nerds Blizzard!’ Asshole.

Wanna Fanta

Oh man. When’s the last time you had a fizzy orange soda pop?? 

It’s been an enormously long time for me.  And I had a gigantic green juice for breakfast…but something says to me today, ‘don’t you wanna? Wanna Fanta?’

And I said yes. Yes, I wanna!!!  It was so fizzy and delicious.  It stung my teeth and tickled my nose.  I loved it so badly.

The thing is…I know sugar is bad, but it makes me feel great. It does. I love the sugar high.  I’ll take a 5 hour crash for a 30 minute sugar buzz.  I love it.  I love that I giggle and I love that I want to zip around and I love that I have the illusion of energy and I love that I am wittier and sillier.

I can’t help it. 

I realize I sound like a drug addict.  I admit it. I am addicted to sugar.  I don’t think I need to enroll in overeaters anonymous.  I don’t think I over eat.  Maybe there’s some candy crush saga help group that I can join, even though I don’t play that game.  I need to crush the candy!!!

But I love the candy.  Perhaps I bring back the coffee?  I love the caffeine zip of an Americano as well.  Maybe I just need a new zip.  Maybe the green zips aren’t cutting it.  Maybe they make me feel too even steven,  when what I really need is some zippy highs and moderate lows???

Am I convincing myself to become unhealthy?  Yes, yes I am.  Will I listen to myself?? Such struggles.

Don’t you wanna?? Wanna Fanta?? 

Sugar!!!!

I’m on a sugar binge.  A sugar high…filled with Twix bars and Laffy Taffy (lame jokes included)… blurry days of riding the sweet, crystal wave!

It is awesome. I’m high on life right now. I’m fun again. I’m funnier. I’m even nicer.  Nevermind that dull burn behind my eyeballs. Nevermind the unquenchable thirst.  Nevermind that twinge in your brain every 30 minutes that says ‘just one more piece.’  Nevermind that little tremble…it’s normal. Nevermind that sour apple colored urine!!

I realize I will come down from this high soon…because the Halloween candy supply has been severely depleted.  I mean, we’re down to dum dum pops and green hard candies. There’s no more chocolate in that bowl…or flavored tootsie rolls.  We’re sending out an S.O.S!

So much for being anti-sugar.  It’s addicting!! It’s like legal crack (so I’ve heard).  So legal that they put it in everything and dedicate holidays to it.  How can I resist? 

I swear I’ll get back on the big, healthy, green bandwagon soon. I swear. I swear I’ll make a sugar detox juice…if I must.  I won’t let this bowl of sweet deliciousness break me…or break months of progress to train my tastebuds to like celery more than skittles.

Die, sugar, die!!!

(And by ‘die,’ I mean, bring your friends and meet me in 30 minutes)

Arrested….great

If I was ever locked up in jail and the bars were made of candy canes, I think it would take me roughly 3 hours to escape. 

I might even try to get back in that jail. 

But then, I suppose, the real punishment comes with the dental visits and gorey frankenstein mouth projects. 

Law enforcement may want to look into this.