They hid the mofo candy!!


What. The. Fuck.

In an effort to distract me from my addiction to crack sugar, my husband has enlisted the children to hide their Halloween candy from me!

What. The. FUCK?  I was really looking forward to a little Baby Ruth wrapped in a Milky Way…with a vanilla flavored Tootsie Roll chaser.  God damn I love those vanilla Tootsie Rolls.  Why can’t they just sell those in a package by themselves.  No one wants the lemon ones.  No one (except for me…when it gets to the last of the candy and there’s nothing good left…then I want the lemon ones).

Hide the candy?  From their mom?

Could it be because I helped myself to all the Almond Joys and all of the Butterfingers yesterday?  Or maybe because I started in on the Smarties, M&M’s and Sweet-Tarts?  Perhaps it was the sugar induced fit of rage that followed?  I tore through the house like a tazmanian devil…a swirling tornado of milk chocolate aroma, candy wrappers and Skittle dust.  Maybe the last straw was waking up next to a bitchy, irrational, sour patch woman with a killer sugar hangover?

‘Throw away all the candy and all the junk food in the house!  I hate everything!!  I can’t control myself!!  Save yourselves!!’

I’m completely irrational and I plead with him to just try and help me out.  I talk all this game about eating healthy and detoxing from junk food because it makes me crazy (just a little but maniacal).  I ask for all this support and help in trying to keep it out of the house.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Just help me out, man!  Get this shit out of here.  Once that first grape Skittle touches my eager little taste buds…it’s over.  It’s over.  Game over.  Shut it down.

I guess he didn’t like it.  I guess it wasn’t sexy Halloween kitten enough.  I suppose I asked for it.  I suppose I have a little bit of a problem.  But am I a little bit irritated that he made a special phone call specifically to ask them to hide it before I got home…and that I can’t even have one little piece??  Because it’s hidden from me??

I’ll sniff it out.  Give me 8 minutes.

Advertisements

I mean, they’re cupcakes in bread form…


image

I blame Starbucks and these dang loaves of chocolate and vanilla cake…

I blame them for warming them up and making them taste like fresh, warm, cupcakes…

I blame the rain…

I really thought I wanted to try to end my sugar binge today.  I thought I wanted to stop eating my feelings.

Turns out I don’t.  Not unless it’s sunny, I guess.

I blame leaving too early to drop the kids off at school…

I blame the short drive through line…

Hell, I even blame them for having a stupid drive through…

I blame my brain…

I blame those sweet, white, sparkly granules…

You win again, sugar.  Until next time (and I’m most certain you will probably win again next time because I have lost all my will power and all the muscle tone I thought I had).

Saving of the daylight


Daylight savings time yet again.  After a few days of feeling like I’m running late and early at the same time….we’re adjusting.  I suppose.

Guess who doesn’t adjust as easily?  The dog.

Yes.  When she thinks it is time to eat and pee…the actual time is 5:00 am.  On her clock, it’s 6:00 and we should be up and at ’em…and by 6:30 we typically are.  But this 5 am shit is getting old.

So that’s been great.

Daylight savings…I’m not quite enjoying that extra hour they promised Sunday morning when the time changed.  I’ve got a 100 pound dog making guest appearances in my Eddie Vedder dreams.  She may be black, but she can’t sing Black.   

Still waiting on that extra hour several days later.  Maybe I’ll find it in the spring when we spring ahead. 

I’m fucking tired.  I’m recovering from a sugar binge, if you didn’t fucking notice….and with that comes a whole lot of bitchiness.  So I would appreciate it if we could abolish this stupid saving of the daylight…it does nothing for anyone.  It’s fucking dark and depressing anyway. 

And it will be until May.  The dog is staring me down at this moment.  She’s thinking ‘sing to you at 5.’

I need a pick me up…where’s the last of the dum dum pops??

Sugar!!!!


image

I’m on a sugar binge.  A sugar high…filled with Twix bars and Laffy Taffy (lame jokes included)… blurry days of riding the sweet, crystal wave!

It is awesome. I’m high on life right now. I’m fun again. I’m funnier. I’m even nicer.  Nevermind that dull burn behind my eyeballs. Nevermind the unquenchable thirst.  Nevermind that twinge in your brain every 30 minutes that says ‘just one more piece.’  Nevermind that little tremble…it’s normal. Nevermind that sour apple colored urine!!

I realize I will come down from this high soon…because the Halloween candy supply has been severely depleted.  I mean, we’re down to dum dum pops and green hard candies. There’s no more chocolate in that bowl…or flavored tootsie rolls.  We’re sending out an S.O.S!

So much for being anti-sugar.  It’s addicting!! It’s like legal crack (so I’ve heard).  So legal that they put it in everything and dedicate holidays to it.  How can I resist? 

I swear I’ll get back on the big, healthy, green bandwagon soon. I swear. I swear I’ll make a sugar detox juice…if I must.  I won’t let this bowl of sweet deliciousness break me…or break months of progress to train my tastebuds to like celery more than skittles.

Die, sugar, die!!!

(And by ‘die,’ I mean, bring your friends and meet me in 30 minutes)