They hid the mofo candy!!


What. The. Fuck.

In an effort to distract me from my addiction to crack sugar, my husband has enlisted the children to hide their Halloween candy from me!

What. The. FUCK?  I was really looking forward to a little Baby Ruth wrapped in a Milky Way…with a vanilla flavored Tootsie Roll chaser.  God damn I love those vanilla Tootsie Rolls.  Why can’t they just sell those in a package by themselves.  No one wants the lemon ones.  No one (except for me…when it gets to the last of the candy and there’s nothing good left…then I want the lemon ones).

Hide the candy?  From their mom?

Could it be because I helped myself to all the Almond Joys and all of the Butterfingers yesterday?  Or maybe because I started in on the Smarties, M&M’s and Sweet-Tarts?  Perhaps it was the sugar induced fit of rage that followed?  I tore through the house like a tazmanian devil…a swirling tornado of milk chocolate aroma, candy wrappers and Skittle dust.  Maybe the last straw was waking up next to a bitchy, irrational, sour patch woman with a killer sugar hangover?

‘Throw away all the candy and all the junk food in the house!  I hate everything!!  I can’t control myself!!  Save yourselves!!’

I’m completely irrational and I plead with him to just try and help me out.  I talk all this game about eating healthy and detoxing from junk food because it makes me crazy (just a little but maniacal).  I ask for all this support and help in trying to keep it out of the house.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Just help me out, man!  Get this shit out of here.  Once that first grape Skittle touches my eager little taste buds…it’s over.  It’s over.  Game over.  Shut it down.

I guess he didn’t like it.  I guess it wasn’t sexy Halloween kitten enough.  I suppose I asked for it.  I suppose I have a little bit of a problem.  But am I a little bit irritated that he made a special phone call specifically to ask them to hide it before I got home…and that I can’t even have one little piece??  Because it’s hidden from me??

I’ll sniff it out.  Give me 8 minutes.

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Speaking of wheat…


I am, by no means, a wheat, gluten, or grain expert.  I didn’t write Wheat Belly and I didn’t write Grain Brain.  Hell, I didn’t even read either book yet.  From what I’ve read on various medical, health, and alternative health websites in the past few weeks, the mental and physical challenges from wheat and grains are real.  They are real for me.  Maybe I’ve made them up…to be real in my brain…because I need them to be real.

I don’t care.  I’ll try it.  I’ll try an elimination diet to see if I’m a non-celiac gluten sensitivity sufferer!!  In the name of science!!  I’m skeptical, as always, but I’ll try it.  I’ll try anything to feel a little more even keel…a little less roller coaster of emotions and energy levels.

I think the hardest part to digest (hahahaha, get it?? hahaa) in all this wheat/grain business is all the previous years of my life.  What if this really is the answer and the cure to my emotional instability and increasing forgetfulness?  It’s hard to think about all the struggles as a kid and teenager with anxiety and sadness.  It’s hard to comprehend that it could all have been solved had I been eating less whole wheat.  I mean, my mom worked at a natural bakery.  We ate so much bread.  So much good bread too…which it seems is a little worse in this whole grain game.  It’s a confusing thing.

I started on this whole research expedition because I had stanky farts for about a month.  All the other symptoms were there, I just connected the dots.  I’ve just resorted to the fact that I will always have those bumps on my arms…keratosis pilaris.  I’ve been struggling with the brain fog and lethargy for quite some time.  I’d researched about sugar, hormonal imbalances, candida overgrowth, adrenal fatigue before.  I’d made a significant effort to eliminate processed foods and sugar completely.  I was completely addicted.  Still am!  I cut out sugar for a long time to no avail.  Still addicted.  You better believe I had those Reese’s peanut butter cups after my wholesome dinner of zucchini and lentils tonight!!

How would my life’s path have been different had I eaten a completely different diet from childhood?  It’s a little too mind blowing to comprehend for me at this time.  Onward and forward.  I like vegetables and I like fruit.  No biggie, right?

Yeah, until there are bowls and bags of trick or treat candy haunting me from the kitchen!!  The Horror!!!

Sour Patch


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This is just what we need in our break room at work…1.9 pounds of sour patch kids.  1.9 pounds!?!?!  I wonder why not fill up that last .1? Just make it an even 2 pounds of soury sugary goodness!

I can’t help but eat them…

First they’re sour, then they’re sweet…then they’re laughing maniacally at all the cavities they just mined inside your precious teeth…and then they’re calling their conspirator dentist friends with code words like ‘operation root canal’ and ‘ insurance dream come true,’ reporting they expect their payment in small bills at the drop point at midnight.

I mean, they’re cupcakes in bread form…


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I blame Starbucks and these dang loaves of chocolate and vanilla cake…

I blame them for warming them up and making them taste like fresh, warm, cupcakes…

I blame the rain…

I really thought I wanted to try to end my sugar binge today.  I thought I wanted to stop eating my feelings.

Turns out I don’t.  Not unless it’s sunny, I guess.

I blame leaving too early to drop the kids off at school…

I blame the short drive through line…

Hell, I even blame them for having a stupid drive through…

I blame my brain…

I blame those sweet, white, sparkly granules…

You win again, sugar.  Until next time (and I’m most certain you will probably win again next time because I have lost all my will power and all the muscle tone I thought I had).

Sugar on me


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So what kind of sugar were they singing about anyway?? You know, pour some sugar on me…Def Leppard??

Were they singing about pouring good old fashioned, white, granulated sugar on each other?? Or clumps of brown sugar? Maybe dusts of powdered sugar even?

Or perhaps they meant something more pourable, like maple syrup. Maybe it’s more of a painfully slow pour like molasses or corn syrup.

But then I start to think about how much sugar and sugar substitutes have changed since the decade of hair bands…

Pour some Equal on me.

Do they even know about agave syrup or Stevia?? Stevia in the raw? ASPARTAME??? Do they know about sugar beets or xylitol????? What about the original sweetener, honey??

Pour some Sweet n Low on me….in the name of love!

Perhaps because they are from England they only know sugar in the form of cubes. Pour some sugar cubes on me!

Pour some pixie stix on me.

Do they even know how terribly addictive sugar is and how awful it is for us to consume, let alone to soak into every single pore? It’s almost as if they suggest we marinate ourselves like honey baked hams!

But doughnuts…I sadly admit that I would probably be ok with someone pouring dozens of glazed doughnuts over me, in the name of love.

Nerd alert


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Nerds. Who doesn’t love Nerds? Those little sweet and sour sugar boogers.

I love that they still sell nerds in the little box with 2 flavors. I also love that you slide the little cardboard top to open each side and shake out the little nibbles like a candy rattle.

We’ve all made the mistake of accidentally keeping the cherry side open when trying to shake watermelon into our mouths…thus shaking cherry Nerds all over our faces! Don’t tell me you haven’t. Or sometimes the box just doesn’t slide back closed like it’s designed to. But I appreciate that Mr. Wonka has held true to certain design genius.

No one wants to waste Nerds.

I remember as a kid, going to Dairy Queen, and getting Nerd Blizzards. Yeah. They don’t make those anymore. They were amazing. I can guarantee my vile dentist remembers them too…and that he writes letters to Dairy Queen, begging to bring them back.

‘The Oreo Blizzard just doesn’t pack the cavity inducing whollop that Nerds do. Please, for the livelihood of my family, I beg you, please bring back the Nerds Blizzard!’ Asshole.

Tangy zip!


I feel dull. 

I don’t seem to have that tangy zip that I want.  How do I get this zip?  I used to have it consistently.  Now it comes and goes. 

I’ve found that sugar makes me zippy.  Caffeine makes me zippy too.  Both of these, to me, are fun yet artificial zips…although I love them.  I do love them.  I don’t want to deprive myself something that I love. 

But where is the homeostasis?  Where is the plateau?  Where is the level headed consistency of zip that I once knew?  Where’s the tangy zip??

Perhaps I buried it away into a box with the notebooks of terribly dark and adolescent poetry I haven’t burned yet?

Or tucked it in the portfolios of awful watercolor paintings I attempted (I was never that great at watercolor…too impatient)?

Stuck in between every single piece of paper that lovely #1 ever put a crayon mark on when she was 2? 

Maybe it got sacrificed to the thrift shop with the piles of unnecessary shit that I seem to accumulate and purge on a regular basis?

I bet it’s lost somewhere in the Tupperware drawer.

No, I bet it’s been right in front of me the whole time…and all the while I’ve been searching, it’s been growing more and more annoyed that I can’t find it. 

Oh, there you are, tangy zip!

Just kidding. I didn’t really find it.  I just thought it would be funny if no one could figure out if I was  searching for something intangible or the tangy zip of Miracle Whip. 

Wanna Fanta


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Oh man. When’s the last time you had a fizzy orange soda pop?? 

It’s been an enormously long time for me.  And I had a gigantic green juice for breakfast…but something says to me today, ‘don’t you wanna? Wanna Fanta?’

And I said yes. Yes, I wanna!!!  It was so fizzy and delicious.  It stung my teeth and tickled my nose.  I loved it so badly.

The thing is…I know sugar is bad, but it makes me feel great. It does. I love the sugar high.  I’ll take a 5 hour crash for a 30 minute sugar buzz.  I love it.  I love that I giggle and I love that I want to zip around and I love that I have the illusion of energy and I love that I am wittier and sillier.

I can’t help it. 

I realize I sound like a drug addict.  I admit it. I am addicted to sugar.  I don’t think I need to enroll in overeaters anonymous.  I don’t think I over eat.  Maybe there’s some candy crush saga help group that I can join, even though I don’t play that game.  I need to crush the candy!!!

But I love the candy.  Perhaps I bring back the coffee?  I love the caffeine zip of an Americano as well.  Maybe I just need a new zip.  Maybe the green zips aren’t cutting it.  Maybe they make me feel too even steven,  when what I really need is some zippy highs and moderate lows???

Am I convincing myself to become unhealthy?  Yes, yes I am.  Will I listen to myself?? Such struggles.

Don’t you wanna?? Wanna Fanta?? 

Sugar!!!!


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I’m on a sugar binge.  A sugar high…filled with Twix bars and Laffy Taffy (lame jokes included)… blurry days of riding the sweet, crystal wave!

It is awesome. I’m high on life right now. I’m fun again. I’m funnier. I’m even nicer.  Nevermind that dull burn behind my eyeballs. Nevermind the unquenchable thirst.  Nevermind that twinge in your brain every 30 minutes that says ‘just one more piece.’  Nevermind that little tremble…it’s normal. Nevermind that sour apple colored urine!!

I realize I will come down from this high soon…because the Halloween candy supply has been severely depleted.  I mean, we’re down to dum dum pops and green hard candies. There’s no more chocolate in that bowl…or flavored tootsie rolls.  We’re sending out an S.O.S!

So much for being anti-sugar.  It’s addicting!! It’s like legal crack (so I’ve heard).  So legal that they put it in everything and dedicate holidays to it.  How can I resist? 

I swear I’ll get back on the big, healthy, green bandwagon soon. I swear. I swear I’ll make a sugar detox juice…if I must.  I won’t let this bowl of sweet deliciousness break me…or break months of progress to train my tastebuds to like celery more than skittles.

Die, sugar, die!!!

(And by ‘die,’ I mean, bring your friends and meet me in 30 minutes)