Better and better


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My old woman, squishy faced, Popeye-looking pumpkin gets better and better with age.  I’m not moving him/her until there’s snow. 

I anticipate full pumpkin liquification…wicked witch style.

Oh, what a world, what a world.

Loving these shriveled pumpkins


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This guy isn’t ready to say goodbye quite yet. He’s hanging in there…looking more and more awesome and more and more like an old, one-eyed, grouchy woman every day.

Every day, I come home and look at him and think ‘maybe it’s time to clean up the Halloween decorations and pumpkins,’ but every day he/she gazes up at me and my laziness wins.  It wins a lot. 

It’s only been like 10 days since Halloween.  People leave Christmas decorations up until at least February.  They do, I’ve seen it with my own eyes.  And the stores put out holiday decorations over 60 days in advance!!

I think I’m allowed to keep this wonderful, shrivelly relic a few days longer.  The big fuzzy spiders too.  They’re good friends now. 

Until this forecasted polar vortex whooshes down on us again… then my grumpy pumpkin friend, left out in the cold, is probably going to slash my tires and put a potato in my tailpipe. 

If I ask for candy…


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Trick or treat?!? Brilliant!!

After having the candy hidden from me the other day, I realized that all I have to do is trick or treat in my own house.

It’s easy.

I just have to ask my six year old nicely for a piece of her candy. 

Then she says, ‘Sure, Butterfinger??’

And I say, ‘Yesssss!!! And Sweet-tarts too, please!!’

Boom.  Done. 

They hid the mofo candy!!


What. The. Fuck.

In an effort to distract me from my addiction to crack sugar, my husband has enlisted the children to hide their Halloween candy from me!

What. The. FUCK?  I was really looking forward to a little Baby Ruth wrapped in a Milky Way…with a vanilla flavored Tootsie Roll chaser.  God damn I love those vanilla Tootsie Rolls.  Why can’t they just sell those in a package by themselves.  No one wants the lemon ones.  No one (except for me…when it gets to the last of the candy and there’s nothing good left…then I want the lemon ones).

Hide the candy?  From their mom?

Could it be because I helped myself to all the Almond Joys and all of the Butterfingers yesterday?  Or maybe because I started in on the Smarties, M&M’s and Sweet-Tarts?  Perhaps it was the sugar induced fit of rage that followed?  I tore through the house like a tazmanian devil…a swirling tornado of milk chocolate aroma, candy wrappers and Skittle dust.  Maybe the last straw was waking up next to a bitchy, irrational, sour patch woman with a killer sugar hangover?

‘Throw away all the candy and all the junk food in the house!  I hate everything!!  I can’t control myself!!  Save yourselves!!’

I’m completely irrational and I plead with him to just try and help me out.  I talk all this game about eating healthy and detoxing from junk food because it makes me crazy (just a little but maniacal).  I ask for all this support and help in trying to keep it out of the house.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Just help me out, man!  Get this shit out of here.  Once that first grape Skittle touches my eager little taste buds…it’s over.  It’s over.  Game over.  Shut it down.

I guess he didn’t like it.  I guess it wasn’t sexy Halloween kitten enough.  I suppose I asked for it.  I suppose I have a little bit of a problem.  But am I a little bit irritated that he made a special phone call specifically to ask them to hide it before I got home…and that I can’t even have one little piece??  Because it’s hidden from me??

I’ll sniff it out.  Give me 8 minutes.

must. resist. the. candy.


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It’s here.  The day after trick or treating.  The day when the candy bowls are overflowing with the best of the best.  I’m talking Snickers bars and Butterfingers and Skittles and Tootsie Pops.  Laffy Taffy and Peanut Butter M&M’s.

I die.

I must resist.  I must resist.  I must can’t resist.

Sorry kids!  Your mom is a sugar addict and once you go outside to play she will pilfer through your bowl for the best candy and demolish it.  Then she will allow you one single piece after dinner…and then once you are sleeping cozily in your beds, she will gorge on the rest of the chocolates and taffies and sour hard candies you worked so hard to collect.

Zombie bacon?


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Is it made out of people?  That’s what zombies eat, right? People?? Brains??

Strawberry vanilla?  It looks kind of delicious though….like a sour patch kid.  Sour kid’s brains prepackaged for all your zombie needs.  Yum….

Progressive zombies of the future will protest against gmo zombie bacon and overly processed brains.  They will strive to only ingest organic human brains with the highest amount of omega-3’s.  They’ll be juicing us to ingest the maximum amount of micronutrients in our delicious flesh. 

Juicing us.  Morbid. 

Sugar!!!!


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I’m on a sugar binge.  A sugar high…filled with Twix bars and Laffy Taffy (lame jokes included)… blurry days of riding the sweet, crystal wave!

It is awesome. I’m high on life right now. I’m fun again. I’m funnier. I’m even nicer.  Nevermind that dull burn behind my eyeballs. Nevermind the unquenchable thirst.  Nevermind that twinge in your brain every 30 minutes that says ‘just one more piece.’  Nevermind that little tremble…it’s normal. Nevermind that sour apple colored urine!!

I realize I will come down from this high soon…because the Halloween candy supply has been severely depleted.  I mean, we’re down to dum dum pops and green hard candies. There’s no more chocolate in that bowl…or flavored tootsie rolls.  We’re sending out an S.O.S!

So much for being anti-sugar.  It’s addicting!! It’s like legal crack (so I’ve heard).  So legal that they put it in everything and dedicate holidays to it.  How can I resist? 

I swear I’ll get back on the big, healthy, green bandwagon soon. I swear. I swear I’ll make a sugar detox juice…if I must.  I won’t let this bowl of sweet deliciousness break me…or break months of progress to train my tastebuds to like celery more than skittles.

Die, sugar, die!!!

(And by ‘die,’ I mean, bring your friends and meet me in 30 minutes)

Ghost Mine


It’s Halloween. I’ve never been a fan of scary things….however, I love Halloween. I love dressing up silly and pending to be someone else.  I love the comedy in Halloween. 

I do not love the creepy. I do not like watching scary movies.  My imagination it’s vivid enough to make up creepy shit in the dark.  Growing up out in the dark woods, I ran away from imaginary spooks all the time. 

Sometimes my husband talks me into watching something creepy because he likes to.  Paranormal stuff usually spooks me really good.  Ghosts and shit.  Sometimes I feel like you can just feel them there….looking at you. 

There was a day I was being an ultra lazy mom and started watching this Ghost Mine marathon on Syfy.  Not typical of me. 

I got sucked in.  There’s something about it.  Story is:  there’s a group of miners trying to get gold and all these paranormal things keep happening to them.  There’s 2 paranormal investigators along for the ride and they always come across something.  Some shadow, some growl, evidence, or piece of historic information. 

It’s become so much more interesting than scary.  They’re on season 2 now…the mining session is coming to a close soon and they have to get out as much gold before the snow.  Historically, there’s tired to the Free Masons, Chinese miners, and local characters from the town. 

So interesting! 

It’s the only show that I need to watch on a regular basis.