Turning back time

I’ve been slightly obsessed with smoothies as of late. I add the despised wheat grass and spinach and sometimes celery. You know, the good ol greens. Oh that wheat grass….gives me a little gag each time. It’s growing on me though. Sometimes I steep up some black tea and use that instead of juice to get a nice caffeine boost. I suppose I’m trying to quit the coffee. I know, I know….it’s the greatest creation on earth. Perhaps it is just the caffeine I love. Which led me to the black tea. Which I also adore. Also, it’s healthier than juice in the smoothies. Less sugar, more antioxidants. I need to kill all the free radicals I can in this old bod. I’m trying to turn back time here. Cher? Is that you I hear? You’d take back all the words that’ve hurt me??? If you could reach the stars, you’d give them all to me???? Thanks Cher.

 

Please don’t buy me candles

I think candles are stupid. 

In the old days, they had a purpose.  Light!  Nowadays….what are they for? Aromatherapy? Ambiance? 

Stupid. 

Most of the candles on the market are made with synthetic aromas anyway…and do not have any aromatherapy benefits.  Your body has a totally different reaction to ‘real vanilla’ versus stupid vanilla ice cream scent from whatever dumb candle shop. 

And people buy them like crazy!!  What do you do with them?  Do you honestly run a bath and read a book of sonnets by candlelight?  Do you make love by candlelight?  Eat?  Clean?  Watch tv? 

I apologize if this is offensive.  Candles just aren’t for me.  I must admit that I did write introspective poetry by candlelight when I was 16 and troubled.  I would also drip the wax and see what shape it made…that’s fun. 

I now pretend to like them for certain people.  I think they look nice at weddings.  That’s it. 

Whew.  I’m glad I got it off my chest.  It’s been bothering me for years.  Years!!! 

 

Small rant….

My husband has a friend.  She works with him once a month.  They are exactly the same, except she is a woman and he is man.

She came to visit this past weekend with her husband. Her husband is pretty cool and tolerates her much like I tolerate my husband.

At any rate…I tried really fucking hard to like her. And I don’t. The trouble is that she is a girl so she tried to gain my trust that way, but then would encourage me to talk about things that annoy me about my husband. And then, she would take his side and explain how I should just love him for him and all this psycho-babble bullshit.

It just seems twisted to me. Don’t try to be my friend and give me advice and then always take the other side. It’s annoying. And two faced. And bitchy. And why don’t I just ask your husband about you, stupid.

Grrrrrrr.

I had finally had enough and instead of blowing up at her, blew up at my husband. He understood. He thought is was a little messed up too.

And I know they’re friends and they talk, and I made it clear that if he tells her about all the angry ranting, it’ll be a sad sad day for him.

Sorry for the rant.

I already have awesome friends. I don’t need another husband.

 

Ok, I believe you

Love this song…

 

Sass-age

I literally just ate my weight in summer sausage.  Sick. 

Why do you suppose it’s called summer sausage?  What’s the history of the summer sausage?  Do I sound a little like Jerry Seinfeld? 

I mean, what’s the deal with summer sausage?  It’s not only for the summer.  There’s no winter sausage or autumn sausage….

Oh, so sassy. 

 

Arrested….great

If I was ever locked up in jail and the bars were made of candy canes, I think it would take me roughly 3 hours to escape. 

I might even try to get back in that jail. 

But then, I suppose, the real punishment comes with the dental visits and gorey frankenstein mouth projects. 

Law enforcement may want to look into this. 

 

Giant

Lovely #2 said that when she’s 100, she’ll need a bigger house. 

She’ll need a bigger house because she’ll be a giant. 

This is perfectly logical for a 4 year old that always hears the phrase: when you grow up and get bigger…

On another note, Crunk hits came on our Kidz bop station on Pandora.  Lil Wayne? Really?

Yeeeaaaahhh!!

 

Annoyance

Oh technology.  I think it really is going to come alive one of these days and cut us all in half.

Today I was doing a little online bill paying.  Because I’m pretty hip like that.  And…it is really super fucking convenient, don’t you think?

So I click on all the tabs I have to and click submit…and it tells me I should call whatever phone number or try again later.  Well, I can’t try again later because I have things to do and I need to get this payment in because it’s the last minute and I’ve been unemployed for a second and everything is down to the wire.  Yikes!!!

I pulled out my phone and called and entered all my account numbers and said all my issues to the automated lady and finally got to speak with a real human.

He was very nice and walked me through the entire process, like I was an idiot.  I kept reassuring him that I already did all that.  I already did that.  I know what to click, I already did it.  It told me to call or try again!!  I know!!!!!  I just don’t have time later and need to get this paid.  I know, I clicked that.  I know, it just didn’t work and I need it to work.  I already did it!!!

Of course, of course, of COURSE….it worked when I was on the phone with him.  Of Course it did.  Now I seem like a fucking loser online bill payer and he looks like the hero.

 

Bring on the summertime birthday

Both my husband and I have birthdays in February….and we live in the Midwest.  The weather can be frightful and make for dangerous and annoying celebrating. 

This past year, while out and about and freezing on my birthday, we decided there should be a way to pick a beautiful, warm summer day to celebrate.  Now, anyone can just pick a day and have a party at their house….but there has to be free birthday drinks involved. 

No bartender is giving out anything free on a random summer day when your ID says your birthday is in the middle of winter.  It’s like there should be a way that you can waive your actual birthday and choose the day you want to celebrate.

If I ever own a bar, I will instill summertime birthday IOUs.  It could look like a little fake ID and have a beautiful summertime theme. 

I like this idea. 

 

Lazy bug

This bug has been chilling in this spot for days.  Seriously…days.  through rain, wind, everything except me opening the window and flicking him off the screen.  I may do that today. 

Not that he’s doing anything wrong, I just see him everytime I walk past and every time, I hope he’s gone.  And he’s still there, sunning his bug ass. 

But then again, should I see just how long he can last?  It’s been about 5 days.  How long can a bug go without moving?  Is he dead and just hooked on? 

Ok.  One more day and then….I flick.