First lights


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I’m officially one of ‘those’ people.  You know the type, they feel all festive and merry and put up their holiday lights before anyone else to show everyone on the block just how festive they are.  They even put up their lights before Thanksgiving!  Blasphemous!

I’ve never been one of those people.  But this year, I tell ya, I’ve had that holiday spirit thing for over 2 weeks now. 

My justification is that I have kids.  But in all honesty, I’m pretty sure I wrote a post roughly 2 years ago whining grinchily about the holiday season.  The kids existed then. Yeah, I wasn’t feeling it that year.  But last year I watched Home Alone at least 10 times and an assortment of other Christmas cheer movies probably every single day. The spirit crept up on me. This year it’s even worse. 

I even researched into the origins of Christmas so I felt a little less guilty about enjoying it and not being full blown Christian.  I find the spirit of Yule and winter solstice much more appealing.  I read about so many interesting regions and cultures celebrating the change of season in their own way.  I now have a potpurri of new holiday beliefs and traditions.

Saturnalia, you’re drunk…go home. 

So, yes, I put up our lights and I love them. I didn’t turn them on right away… for fear of being one of those people.  I planned on waiting until after Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving deserves its day.  Then it snowed and everything changed.  Everything changed!  I mean, I just can’t resist now.  It’s like these lights are Skittles and I just can’t resist that sweet rainbow! I find snow illuminated with twinkly lights to be one of my favorite winter time things. 

We’re at now now


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Oh, Spaceballs! Rick Moranis… Such joy.

I introduced the children to this gem last week. Lovely #2 thought Pizza the Hut was disgusting…with his drippy cheesy face and tongue.

Ah, sweet nostalgia. I think my brother and I used to watch this movie nearly every weekend at our neighbor’s house. His mom always made us popcorn and cut up some pears, which we barely touched. It never really got old… and now that it’s old, it still hasn’t really gotten old.

Just look at that big ass helmet. Ludicrous!


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This is how you make a home-made band-aid.  Tear off a little piece of paper towel and hold it over the tiny little knife wound on your pinky…the one you got after you accidentally grazed the knife as it laid there, innocently.  The cut that shouldn’t have happened.  The cut that now leaves an annoying little flap of skin too deep to rip off…but perfect to get caught on sweaters once it has crusted over a bit.   Then fumble around for some scotch tape.

Try to hold the paper towel on your finger and also retrieve enough pieces of tape to cover all of the paper towel.  Despite the awkward finger fumbling of the sticky substance, you must succeed.  We have to cover it all because there is still celery to chop and carrots to peel for this fucking delicious pot roast…and the dreaded tear inducing onions….and you sure don’t want any onion juices seeping into that fresh little cut.  You just started!! You can’t back out now!

Of course, this while process could have been avoided had you just bought the damn $3 Frozen movie themed bandages…the ones that aren’t sticky and are too small for an adult sized wound.  They’re more like decorative stickers.  And why doesn’t Target deliver??

Loving these shriveled pumpkins


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This guy isn’t ready to say goodbye quite yet. He’s hanging in there…looking more and more awesome and more and more like an old, one-eyed, grouchy woman every day.

Every day, I come home and look at him and think ‘maybe it’s time to clean up the Halloween decorations and pumpkins,’ but every day he/she gazes up at me and my laziness wins.  It wins a lot. 

It’s only been like 10 days since Halloween.  People leave Christmas decorations up until at least February.  They do, I’ve seen it with my own eyes.  And the stores put out holiday decorations over 60 days in advance!!

I think I’m allowed to keep this wonderful, shrivelly relic a few days longer.  The big fuzzy spiders too.  They’re good friends now. 

Until this forecasted polar vortex whooshes down on us again… then my grumpy pumpkin friend, left out in the cold, is probably going to slash my tires and put a potato in my tailpipe. 

A tripod of gastrointestinal distress!


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I’m not sure why, but the dreaded gas is back.  Without hesitation and like clockwork, it bubbles up and makes its appearance around dinnertime.  It’s impossible to hide.  It’s impossible to mask…or to hold in.  Yikes.

Perhaps it was the oatmeal or the latte or the Thai curry soup…most likely a deadly combination of all three.  A tripod of gastrointestinal distress!

Whatever the cause, it makes me giggle.  Obviously, I grow more concerned the more it ceases to dissipate…yet it makes me giggle like an immature 10-year-old boy making fart noises in his armpit.  It makes me laugh because it is so dang putrid.  Sometimes it resembles cheesy overcooked brussel sprouts while other times it has a distinct peanutty odor.  I realize that this is very open of me to share with you.  I apologize.

At times, I fart with every step I take.  It’s hilarious.

I run-fart up the stairs or do a long fart as I slide on stocking feet across the kitchen floor.  It makes me picture being in this trampoline park and farting at every bounce.  I giggle to myself as I imagine bouncing across the room, away from the green fog, leaving it bouncing in the air for everyone to behold.  I would try to drop a little bomb on each springy surface.  I don’t even think I could hold it in if I tried.  I would bounce up and out the door before they can even sniff me out…I disappear out the door, leaving an invisible gas path behind me.  It’s not a crime to fart.  It’s not.  Even the bloodhounds wouldn’t want to find me!  Poor dogs.

On the bright side, if I had a stalker…I wouldn’t have a stalker anymore.

and the secret word is….


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It’s about time the kids were introduced to the high flying adventures of Big Top Pee Wee, don’t you agree?

I can’t even remember the first time I saw this movie…and I’m not sure how long ago it was.  As I watch, I am realizing that I don’t remember any of this.  I mean, I remember, but I don’t remember.  I don’t remember the talking pig or the angry townsfolk.  I don’t remember Kris Kristofferson playing the ring leader of the circus in his Indiana Jones attire.  Maybe I remember Pee Wee’s Big Adventure more…the tequila song and the platform shoes with the goldfish in them and Large Marge.  People still do that funny back and forth thumb dance when the song Tequila comes on.

I do seem to recall the egg salad sandwich dripping on Pee Wee’s face…mmm…egg salad-y!

I remember watching Pee Wee’s Playhouse on Saturday mornings when I was a kid and I remember loving it.  I loved the clay-mation opening scene and I loved the aluminum foil ball.  Who could forget Chairy?  I might just have to order all the seasons so that I can relive it every Saturday morning.  I think that the new generation is enjoying it too…my little lovely #2 thinks that it’s pretty funny so far.  So far so good!  Everyone loves that good old Pee Wee giggle.

My friend and I like to drive around, drink coffee, and try to laugh like Pee Wee.  We end up geeking out and laughing so fucking hard we have to wee wee a little pee pee.  See how much joy Pee Wee can bring?

 

Bring on the prize patrol


I have to tell you…I really want someone to come to my door with a huge check.

Yes, a giant check…and balloons…sticking a microphone in my face.  I want cameras to capture my hilarious surprised expression as I answer the door in my pink bathrobe.

I realized that in order to make this happen, I’ve got play some lotteries and enter in the dang sweepstakes!!  Publisher’s Clearing House, here I come!!

Is it a scam?  I’m not quite sure yet.  I did check on the website and read the official rules.  It does say ‘no purchase necessary to win’ and ‘purchasing does not increase chances of winning’. Perfect for me.

Did I? Why, yes, yes I did.  Yes I did download the pch app on my so-called smart phone so I can enter everyday.  Yes, I did.  I want that fucking prize patrol at my door!!

Do I feel a little bit like a loser? Yes…a loser that’s hoping to become a winner!

Happy election day!


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I love election days.  I do.

I suppose I don’t really love politics and picking sides and the inability to compromise, but I love seeing swarms of people all dressed and ready for their days stopping in to get their sticker. I love that everyone is super friendly and helpful.  There’s a buzz of energy, excitement, and anticipation.  Perhaps a little fear too.  I love that I vote at the park by the lake…never mind dodging goose poop.  I love that everyone smiles and nods at one another because we’re grateful and thankful to be able to voice our choice. 

During my ten minutes of voting on  election day, it feels like it’s not about winning or losing…it feels like it’s about community and smiling at my neighbors. 

I have to admit it gets me a little choked up when I see all these people taking a little time out to do what they are asked to do.  I’m such a sap.  I will also get teared up when I see the happy winners on the news, regardless of which party, because it all started with these lovely people at the park.

Distractions!!


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It’s hard to write a good blog post at the roller skating rink…

Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of great characters to choose from to describe.  Maybe the chubby girl with the light up ring who stops for a new snack after each lap or the sweet Asian dad with his two little girls?  Maybe the awkward, loud mom that I recognize from the salon?  Ugh, I hope she doesn’t notice me.  I can’t quite describe how excited she was when Eye of the Tiger came on. 

Or perhaps the 14 year old couple?  The girl had a stringy ponytail that reached the top of her butt crack!  Someone should give her the number of a great hairdresser. 

Here I wanted to describe the awesome wooden skate floor or the critter-ridden carpet wall…or the cute old lady who made my hot cocoa in the snack stand…but I keep getting distracted by these amazing 4 year old skaters with light up skates and matching cheetah sweaters. 

You wouldn’t even believe how they skate-danced to some In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins…flipping their hair around and taunting me.