If you’ve been following this blog for any amount of time….you must know that I am always striving to find a balance between living a creative life, being responsible for my family, and trying to find the humor in things.
Shortly after my wonderful visit to San Diego, I admittedly fell into a loathsome darkness….where I felt like everything I was doing with my life was going in the wrong direction (which it wasn’t) and that I had to disappear to feel better (which I didn’t). I was just going through the motions. It was one of my worst winter seasons thus far…which leads me to:
Shortly after I started my tried and true vitamin and healthy eating routine, the darkness lifted (which I knew it would) and my thoughts became clearer and brighter and funnier and way more optimistic and creative! For the curious ones out there, I take a B complex, Vitamin D, a Probiotic, and an Omega 3. I would say within 2 days I felt better and within a week I felt like I was back to my old self.
Of course the light and sunshine and warmer weather help it all out.
I have found that some people chalk the sadness and guilt to being a creative person….that’s just they way of a creative mind…I’m not so sure.
My mind is more clear and fast when I’m not feeling blue….more like a light, sky blue and less like an angry, drab gray-blue.
So I’m here with my tiny little 5 year old baby at the mother fucking dentist.
Those of you who know how this brain works, know that my blood pressure sky rockets when I drive past this place, let alone being inside an office watching this awful process happen on my tiniest little precious lovely #2.
I want to bash their faces in. I want to pull the sharp silver daggers out of their hands and drive them into their eyeballs. I want to smash the stupid, calming, lava lamp into the awful flower paintings on the wall.
I can’t look. My eyes well up a little.
But just like that, it’s over…and she’s fine…and I can breathe again. My cold, clammy hands can allow blood back in. Thankfully I didn’t have to flip over tables and break windows.
I had a coffee yesterday. And even though I may be a weakling because if it, I loved every moment as well. I loved it! I’ve always loved coffee and lattes and mochas and all the drizzles and bells and whistles.
Why I stopped…I suppose I was ready to try anything to feel more normal at the time. And…while I definitely don’t feel more normal now, I feel that I have proved to myself that I can if I need to or if I had to.
But I don’t have to.
I can do whatever I want!
Oh, that first warm, delicious, coffee flavored sip mixed with that creamy fluffy whipped cream. You bet your ass I got whipped cream! I tried to savor it…but I may have chugged it. It was so good. So delicious!
It also, of course, delivered the zip that I’ve missed as well. I kind of like the caffeine sweats and the racing thoughts and the shakes a little. It makes the day a little more interesting and makes giggling a little easier.
You may have thought I was taking a pregnancy test….Yikes!!! That would be far worse than anxiety. That would be full blown panic.
No. I took a test this morning for professional upgrades. And I passed. I probably wouldn’t tell anyone about it if I failed. I would simply cry myself to sleep every night for about 12 days.
Some people get really nervous taking tests, right? I don’t. I sometimes try to work myself up about it….but I can never get nervous enough to let it affect my judgement. I’m always way more anxious about getting to the place on time and bringing all the correct paperwork and identification than about taking the actual test. I suppose I’m lucky. Or I’ve taken way to many tests.
Pregnancy test? Yeah, those make me nervous enough to throw up…which is usually a dead give away that I am, in fact, with child.
Not today!!!! Just have more papers to file and another thing to put on the ol resume.