Confessions


A client confessed a secret to me the other day.  It was a secret she had never admitted to anyone, ever, in her life.  Brace yourselves.

She had, in fact, cheated during a high school pep rally while trying to hit a pinata with a bat.  You see, she could see through the blindfold.  Instead of smashing the pinata with her secret sight, she hit one of her teachers, on purpose, in the stomach!

Talk about a gut buster!

She said she didn’t hit her hard enough to really hurt her, but enough for it to be really funny.  She never even told any of her friends from high school that she did it…probably for fear of having rumors spread and getting in trouble.  And she held that secret up inside her for maybe 15-20 years just to tell me.

I feel quite privileged to accept that information.  It must be how a taxi driver sometimes feels.

It also reminded me of my husband finally admitting to me that he cheated on a male/female smell test in high school.  They were testing to see which sex had the keener sense of smell.  My husband admitted to me that he, too, could see through the blindfold.  He completely ruined all that data!!  He really had no reason to even admit it to me…because what the hell do I care?

It’s as if these secrets and lies just work themselves out sometimes.

 

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Zombie bacon?


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Is it made out of people?  That’s what zombies eat, right? People?? Brains??

Strawberry vanilla?  It looks kind of delicious though….like a sour patch kid.  Sour kid’s brains prepackaged for all your zombie needs.  Yum….

Progressive zombies of the future will protest against gmo zombie bacon and overly processed brains.  They will strive to only ingest organic human brains with the highest amount of omega-3’s.  They’ll be juicing us to ingest the maximum amount of micronutrients in our delicious flesh. 

Juicing us.  Morbid. 

Rummage


To me, having a rummage sale is strikingly similar to taking a dump.

You get rid of all your unwanted shit…and no one really wants to pay 25 cents for it, but you certainly don’t want to keep it around gathering dust in the nooks and crannies of your house.

So you should just flush it, open a window and light a match…have a rummage sale but keep it to yourself.

 

Sour Patch


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This is just what we need in our break room at work…1.9 pounds of sour patch kids.  1.9 pounds!?!?!  I wonder why not fill up that last .1? Just make it an even 2 pounds of soury sugary goodness!

I can’t help but eat them…

First they’re sour, then they’re sweet…then they’re laughing maniacally at all the cavities they just mined inside your precious teeth…and then they’re calling their conspirator dentist friends with code words like ‘operation root canal’ and ‘ insurance dream come true,’ reporting they expect their payment in small bills at the drop point at midnight.

Black and white


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This is my poetic puppy morning…

Hullooo
Are you awake?
I’m ready for your hand on my head.
I’m ready for scratches under my chin.
Let’s go for a ride.
I don’t care where.
My tail wags.
I sigh when I lay back down…
Waiting.
Waiting.
I sniff out the window.
Smells like it’s time.
Time to wake up and play and love.
Treats!
Treats!