Bring on the prize patrol

I have to tell you…I really want someone to come to my door with a huge check.

Yes, a giant check…and balloons…sticking a microphone in my face.  I want cameras to capture my hilarious surprised expression as I answer the door in my pink bathrobe.

I realized that in order to make this happen, I’ve got play some lotteries and enter in the dang sweepstakes!!  Publisher’s Clearing House, here I come!!

Is it a scam?  I’m not quite sure yet.  I did check on the website and read the official rules.  It does say ‘no purchase necessary to win’ and ‘purchasing does not increase chances of winning’. Perfect for me.

Did I? Why, yes, yes I did.  Yes I did download the pch app on my so-called smart phone so I can enter everyday.  Yes, I did.  I want that fucking prize patrol at my door!!

Do I feel a little bit like a loser? Yes…a loser that’s hoping to become a winner!


So weak…


Dear coffee, I really miss you.

I am weak. A weakling!!

I had a coffee yesterday. And even though I may be a weakling because if it, I loved every moment as well. I loved it! I’ve always loved coffee and lattes and mochas and all the drizzles and bells and whistles.

Why I stopped…I suppose I was ready to try anything to feel more normal at the time. And…while I definitely don’t feel more normal now, I feel that I have proved to myself that I can if I need to or if I had to.

But I don’t have to.

I can do whatever I want!

Oh, that first warm, delicious, coffee flavored sip mixed with that creamy fluffy whipped cream. You bet your ass I got whipped cream! I tried to savor it…but I may have chugged it. It was so good. So delicious!

It also, of course, delivered the zip that I’ve missed as well. I kind of like the caffeine sweats and the racing thoughts and the shakes a little. It makes the day a little more interesting and makes giggling a little easier.

Dear caffeine, I really missed you too.

Dear diary…

Nothing makes me more nervous than sitting next to someone that is reading my blog. 

Such pressure.  And awkwardness. 

It’s like watching someone read your diary outloud at your birthday party.

It’s like bawling your eyes out to a complete stranger. 

It’s like farting on a wooden chair next to a microphone on stage during your middle school band concert.

It’s like when someone asks ‘how are you?’ and you reply ‘you’re welcome.’ 

It’s like making eye contact with the person in the car next to you over and over on accident. 

It’s like when you have to borrow a bathing suit from someone and it is obviously going to be far too small in certain areas.  Painfully small.


Will they giggle or snicker or chuckle?  Will they chortle?  Lord, what if they chortle while I’m next to them?  I can’t chortle along.  I can’t chortle at my own blog!  Why why why?!?


Oh technology.  I think it really is going to come alive one of these days and cut us all in half.

Today I was doing a little online bill paying.  Because I’m pretty hip like that.  And…it is really super fucking convenient, don’t you think?

So I click on all the tabs I have to and click submit…and it tells me I should call whatever phone number or try again later.  Well, I can’t try again later because I have things to do and I need to get this payment in because it’s the last minute and I’ve been unemployed for a second and everything is down to the wire.  Yikes!!!

I pulled out my phone and called and entered all my account numbers and said all my issues to the automated lady and finally got to speak with a real human.

He was very nice and walked me through the entire process, like I was an idiot.  I kept reassuring him that I already did all that.  I already did that.  I know what to click, I already did it.  It told me to call or try again!!  I know!!!!!  I just don’t have time later and need to get this paid.  I know, I clicked that.  I know, it just didn’t work and I need it to work.  I already did it!!!

Of course, of course, of COURSE….it worked when I was on the phone with him.  Of Course it did.  Now I seem like a fucking loser online bill payer and he looks like the hero.