Responsible Laundry


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I own a shirt with little black sparkly circles all over it, like sequins…. and the tag on this disco ball says this sparkle monstrosity is to be dry cleaned only.

Last Friday, my birthday, I opened the dryer first thing in the morning and out tumbled all those wonderful shiny black circles!! Oh my!! What a hilarious surprise!!

It was like over-the-hill confetti!!

Not only was the shirt ruined…but I was left with a large load of mostly black clothing with tiny black circles imbedded all over.  Now I find these specks everywhere I go in my house, in my car, on my body… I even found a few sprinkled at work.

This is how contagious diseases are spread… lesson learned.  Launder responsibly!!!

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Posture


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I had a grade school teacher that would say ‘good posture is the key to good behavior.’

I always thought it was an evil trick to get us to stop slumping in our chairs and pay attention…. Because although this quiet contemplating pup, while having impeccable posture, is not the most well behaved piece of fur in the pack. 

She’s statuesque, yes. 

Just give her a minute and she’ll be up on the window trying to get that asshole squirrel, pulling down curtains and drooling all over the furniture. 

Isn’t she lovely?

Things that make me think I can write better


When I’m trying to be a productive writer, and I use the term writer quite loosely, there are a few things that I like to use to trick my brain into being more focused….and hopefully more creative and clear.

*Eddie Vedder radio on Pandora (this is an obvious one…obviously!)

*I wear shoes.  Yes, I wear shoes.  It makes me think that I am going to work, and am therefore more productive.  Sometimes I’m snuggled up in a blanket at 1 a.m. with shoes on.  It’s a tough job, people.  The struggle is real.

*Hoods and scarves.  I cocoon my whole head up so that only my eyes can peek out.  I like to think that it keeps the creative juices warm and toasty and traps them so they can only escape through my chubby little fingers.

*Candy…love a good sugar buzz

*Caffeine…nothing helps out that sugar buzz like a little eyeball-popping caffeine.  Lately, I’ve just taken to drinking a double shot of espresso.  No latte, no cappuccino, no americano….just gimme the good stuff.  It helps my fingers type faster and with much less precision.

*Yellow legal pads, post it notes, and my favorite rollerball pens.  Sometimes, simply shopping for these items and never opening the packages is helpful in writing….it encourages that intention to write something important.

*Cooking something in the crock pot.  This one is huge.  As a mother and wife and general do-everything-in-the-household type of person…it really helps me focus when I know that dinner/lunch/whatever is cooking itself.  Multi-tasking at its finest!!

*sometimes I venture into Twisted Sister radio on Pandora too…for a little energy boost.

 

Writing is hard


Holy shit.  Writing is hard.

Blogging is easy.

Writing…like real, honest to goodness writing, is super fucking tough.  You know it, I know it, every non-writer and writer out there knows it.  We read and dissect and criticize, but we all know it is really fucking difficult to have an idea in your head and to flesh it out onto paper with words that make it come alive in another person’s head.

It’s like eating a spoonful of alphabet soup and not being able to make any of the random letters make any sense…because you realize you can’t even read!!

…you know, I can’t think of any more clever phrases that writing is like…because I’ve spent the last 7 hours thinking that I made some headway on my project.  When in reality, I have about 3 paragraphs.  3 pretty decent, descriptive paragraphs, but 3 paragraphs nonetheless.

What’s the last thing that you wrote that made you excited to write but the creative process kept slowing you down??

Do you ever wake up with the strangest song in your head?


Today, I awoke to the rap stylings of Salt N Peppa.  I suppose I should clarify…I didn’t hear the song this morning, or last night.  I haven’t heard this song in probably years, actually.  It was just playing away in my brain, on repeat.

None of your Business.

It’s a catchy tune.  Basically, after every line, they say it’s none of your business…and that is what I woke up with today.  I’ll take it.  Sometimes I will wake up with a terribly annoying song stuck in there that the kids like to play over and over and over….picture that Frozen song or worst case scenario.  Sometimes it’s an old school classic that my parents used to play all the time, like Van Morrisson or James Taylor.  If I’m lucky it’s a ridiculous song that makes me giggle to myself…things like DMX or Mysitkal come to mind.  Oh yeah.

Last week I had a beauty!  One of my wake-up song favorites of all time!  The song Kokomo by the Beach Boys.  Hell yes!

I then proceeded to sing it for days and get it stuck in everyone else’s head as well.  Because it’s catchy…and nostalgic.  I think I was in 3rd or 4th grade when Kokomo hit the airwaves.  When it’s 7 degrees outside, it’s kind of nice to sing about the tropical land of Kokomo…off the Florida Keys.  There’s a place called Kokomo.

We’ll get there fast and then we’ll take it slow-wo, that’s where we wanna go-o-o, way down to Koko-0-mo.

And then the saxophone solo kicks in and you’re dreaming about that tropical contact high.

**you are totally singing Kokomo in your own head right now, and you will all day, and then you’ll say to someone: Hey, remember that song Kokomo?  It’s totally stuck in my head right now, isn’t that weird/great/awful/amazing??

Colder than a witch’s tit?


It was quite frigid outside today…colder than a witch’s tit, some might say.  Where do you suppose that phrase originated, anyway?  If any of you know, please enlighten me.  Please.

I would like to add that my mother used that phrase from time to time.  Hers was different.  Hers goes, ‘Colder than a witch’s tit while doing  push ups in the snow in a brass bra.’  Picture that for a moment.

I, personally, give that crazy witch credit for getting her ass out there.  I give her credit for busting out a workout despite the daunting temperatures.  Pun intended (busted out…get it? bust. Ha!)  Fitness is important.  You need arm strength to stir that giant wooden spoon in the cauldron everyday.  And she obviously needs titty support from something stronger than a regular old sports bra.  She must be busty.  I can’t help but picture a crusty green witch with scrawny little arms and giant brass covered boobs dipping her boobs in the snow piles over and over.  She wears a red, white, and blue sweatband on her forehead, under her pointy, stereotypical black witch hat.  With each upward push she exclaims, ‘Curses!!! Curses!!!’

This witch has dedication and I commend her.  All I want to do when it’s colder than her icy tit is tuck my feet under the dog.

 

Das Legs of das Boots!!


wpid-wp-1420044283123.jpeg Bootlegs Yo!

AH!!!!!!

Now I can relive my local Pearl Jam show and all of Eddie’s smiling little anecdotes all the time.

Every. Single. Fucking. Day. It’s not every day that Eddie Vedder tells the crowd that they’re attending the best show of the whole tour.

This is where I huff a little breath on my fingernails and shine them on my shoulder…

Coincidentally…


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Yes.  It’s a new year.  I have to say, I’m tired of that whole phrase ‘New Year, New You!’

Why don’t we say Happy Old Year?  Because no one really really changes like they think they will at midnight.  I’ve never seen anyone click over into a new person.  Have you?  Nope.  Never.  We don’t change January 1st.  We change over long hours, weeks, months, years…

We can choose to start adding in new habits or resisting sassy habits, but we cannot change.

Something I want to slowly change into is a somewhat decent writer.  A comedy writer perhaps.  Do I think I’m funny now?  I don’t know…I don’t really think so.  I know that I make myself giggle about strange, awkward situations in my head…but I really don’t know if I make others giggle through words.  Am I making you laugh right now?

See.

I’m not funny.  I strive to be.  That’s my new goal for myself.  Not necessarily for this year, but forever.  So, as you can see…I’ve signed up for a class through The Second City in Chicago.  It’s an online Screenwriting class for now, and who knows what it could turn into.  I think I’m ready for some honest critique and feedback.  I appreciate all the times that you blessed readers like my posts, but I think I need a professional opinion.  I need someone to tell me that I use those three periods too much or that I make too many run-on sentences or that they can’t visualize the brown, slimy banana peel that I may or may not have slipped on or to simply say that I have a good start and should keep working and revising and editing.

Blarg!

Buttons!


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Just check out these fantastic buttons I received from ‘There will be Buttons’ on Etsy! 

I was browsing the site, trying to find something perfect for my husband, when Lieutenant Dan appeared with his ice cream cone and his headband.  Could it be any more perfect?  I think not.

Of course, to order a single button would be ludicrous.  Why, the $1 spent on the tiny button would be overshadowed by the $2 shipping fee.  And why order one, single, solitary, silly button when there are so many buttons to choose from?

I mean… Nell?? A coy looking Pee Wee?? And Buzz?  I want them all!!

I did not originally want Mr. Rogers, however.  I really wanted this fantastic Wayne’s World quote, but, alas, it was on another button site and I couldn’t get it…without ordering 7-10 buttons from that person.  I might still order it.  I’m not sure yet.  I do love silly buttons. Who am I kidding? I’m probably going to order it today.

Although I’m not sure who else I know loves to wear silly buttons.  Definitely not my husband… but he’s getting Lt. Dan and he’s going to love it.  If only he were just a little more geeky…then I could order all the things that make me giggle and I would giggle all the live long day!!

Thank you, button makers of the world!!