They hid the mofo candy!!


What. The. Fuck.

In an effort to distract me from my addiction to crack sugar, my husband has enlisted the children to hide their Halloween candy from me!

What. The. FUCK?  I was really looking forward to a little Baby Ruth wrapped in a Milky Way…with a vanilla flavored Tootsie Roll chaser.  God damn I love those vanilla Tootsie Rolls.  Why can’t they just sell those in a package by themselves.  No one wants the lemon ones.  No one (except for me…when it gets to the last of the candy and there’s nothing good left…then I want the lemon ones).

Hide the candy?  From their mom?

Could it be because I helped myself to all the Almond Joys and all of the Butterfingers yesterday?  Or maybe because I started in on the Smarties, M&M’s and Sweet-Tarts?  Perhaps it was the sugar induced fit of rage that followed?  I tore through the house like a tazmanian devil…a swirling tornado of milk chocolate aroma, candy wrappers and Skittle dust.  Maybe the last straw was waking up next to a bitchy, irrational, sour patch woman with a killer sugar hangover?

‘Throw away all the candy and all the junk food in the house!  I hate everything!!  I can’t control myself!!  Save yourselves!!’

I’m completely irrational and I plead with him to just try and help me out.  I talk all this game about eating healthy and detoxing from junk food because it makes me crazy (just a little but maniacal).  I ask for all this support and help in trying to keep it out of the house.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Just help me out, man!  Get this shit out of here.  Once that first grape Skittle touches my eager little taste buds…it’s over.  It’s over.  Game over.  Shut it down.

I guess he didn’t like it.  I guess it wasn’t sexy Halloween kitten enough.  I suppose I asked for it.  I suppose I have a little bit of a problem.  But am I a little bit irritated that he made a special phone call specifically to ask them to hide it before I got home…and that I can’t even have one little piece??  Because it’s hidden from me??

I’ll sniff it out.  Give me 8 minutes.

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Zombie bacon?


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Is it made out of people?  That’s what zombies eat, right? People?? Brains??

Strawberry vanilla?  It looks kind of delicious though….like a sour patch kid.  Sour kid’s brains prepackaged for all your zombie needs.  Yum….

Progressive zombies of the future will protest against gmo zombie bacon and overly processed brains.  They will strive to only ingest organic human brains with the highest amount of omega-3’s.  They’ll be juicing us to ingest the maximum amount of micronutrients in our delicious flesh. 

Juicing us.  Morbid. 

Ch-ch-ch-chia


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I’m a fan of chia seeds.  More antioxidants than blueberries and more omega 3’s than salmon!!   However, I’ve never had one of these kombucha probiotic beverages.  I’m slightly frightened…

I’m going to taste test it right now.  It’s the raspberry flavor…

Hmmm…strange…but the more gulps I take, the more I like it.  Of course, the texture of the gelatinous chia seeds would freak anyone out a little.  It’s kind of like jello with crushed pineapple in it. 

Kombucha…this is new to me.  It’s kind of bubbly, like soda…but it also feels alcoholic, even though it isn’t.  Fermentation is strange.  Good for your belly, but strange.

I’m sure I’ll be quite gassy later…but my body is working on farting out all that Halloween candy.  Wouldn’t it be great if farts smelled like skittles and starbursts??

Yes, it would.  Then instead of someone asking, ‘who shit their pants?’ They would ask, ‘who’s holding out on the pixi stix??’

Snack obsession


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Popcorn! 

Not that chemically flavored, fat, microwave junk (which is delicious sometimes, I admit)…but homemade stovetop popcorn!!

I’m obsessed. I’ve made some every day for the past 4 days. I had to buy more kernels.  I will tell you, buying kernels in bulk is so much cheaper than that microwave stuff anyway. And tastier…because you can control the taste and the sassy factor. 

So I use a medium sized pot. I cover the bottom in coconut oil and a layer of white popcorn kernels.  I’d say it’s about a quarter of a cup of kernels.  Enough to almost fill the bottom but not too many so they overlap each other. 

You don’t want it to overflow! 

You need a cover too.  Otherwise your popcorn will fly all over the kitchen and burn your toes and arms. 
Crank up the heat and wait until you hear a pop.  Shake the pot around a bit.  Then those pups will really start popping.  Once the popping slows, shake around again and turn off the heat or it’ll burn.

Done. Takes about 5 minutes.  Salt it right away so it sticks to the oil.

Enjoy while warm.  Enjoy 7 days a week.  I know it sounds like a pain in the ass to make, but it really isn’t and it’s fun to watch the little fluffies fill up the pot.  Plus coconut oil is way better than that yellow, chemical sludge that is slathered on those microwave bags. Sick