Thee Arteest

pee wee

Being an artist myself (not on a daily basis and not for money. Ha.) I think that it is totally acceptable to make a little fun of my own kind.  Don’t you think?


It just makes me giggle so hard to myself to think of some of the things we arteests do and say and with what conviction we believe in them.  And that we are so serious about it.  It lends to that whole ‘pretentious artist’ stereotype when we don’t admit that what we do is actually quite humorous.

Searching dumpsters for interesting found objects, sewing with hair, stomping on a canvas, laboring over the perfect shade of teal, not sleeping, ingesting caffeine and nicotine like we’re being paid to, making things, destroying the thing we just made, and then repurposing our destroyed piece.

And we say, ‘it’s about the process.’

It’s hilarious!  It is.  admit it.  And I’m guilty of it too.  I used to make things with Rold Gold pretzels.  It’s not that I’m some New York Times art critic with 23 degrees in art and art history.  I respect artists immensely for their sacrifice and passion and I think everyone should.  I think it’s great when people can sustain themselves solely by creating things that they love.

I’ve met many artists in my days.  And many non-artists and people that don’t get it.  What’s to get?  They think we’re crazy and they all say I can’t even draw a stick person.  To the stick person drawing, I say Bullshit.  It’s really fucking easy to draw a stick person.  3 year olds can do it.  They just don’t criticize themselves.

That’s another giggly part about art.  We are so tortured.  We love what we do so much that it pains us.  Curled up in little, dirty fetus positions on paint stained floors sobbing.  Oh, and candles lit.  Radiohead playing quietly to encourage the sobs.

I met a kid the other day who said, ‘I just find things in the trash that speak to me, and then I place them against the wall in an interesting composition.’


I once told a client that I was going to make an art show just showcasing the different ideas that I had for the art.  Just ideas on paper, hung interestingly around a room.  No actual art.  He loved it.  He thought I was batshit crazy and thought it was hilarious and that I was making it up.  I sure was.



Please don’t buy me candles

I think candles are stupid. 

In the old days, they had a purpose.  Light!  Nowadays….what are they for? Aromatherapy? Ambiance? 


Most of the candles on the market are made with synthetic aromas anyway…and do not have any aromatherapy benefits.  Your body has a totally different reaction to ‘real vanilla’ versus stupid vanilla ice cream scent from whatever dumb candle shop. 

And people buy them like crazy!!  What do you do with them?  Do you honestly run a bath and read a book of sonnets by candlelight?  Do you make love by candlelight?  Eat?  Clean?  Watch tv? 

I apologize if this is offensive.  Candles just aren’t for me.  I must admit that I did write introspective poetry by candlelight when I was 16 and troubled.  I would also drip the wax and see what shape it made…that’s fun. 

I now pretend to like them for certain people.  I think they look nice at weddings.  That’s it. 

Whew.  I’m glad I got it off my chest.  It’s been bothering me for years.  Years!!!