I get angry. I dislike it. I feel like I can’t even control myself sometimes. All I want to do is smash things and throw chairs and tear apart phonebooks. Why do I feel this anger?
I can’t explain it. I used to be so mellow. Really…I used to be so chill; calm, cool, collected. Cool as a cuke. It was like nothing could get to me. Nothing could make me mad. I thought so rationally and although I would worry and obsess over certain things, I never had this kind of rage. It’s more than anger, more than being angry, it’s like rage. Raging. Not like a racist, but a ragist. I hate rage.
It seems like a vicious cycle that I am on. Up, down, even keel, anger and rage, up, down….and so on and so forth. When I emerge from a fit of rage, I am witty and funny and have the ability to make fun of myself and tell myself that’s it’s all ok. I don’t feel ok though. Mostly I feel guilty. I understand that everyone has different abilities but I know that over time, I should be getting smarter. Right?
Is smarter necessarily wiser? Just because I know more facts and have a little more life experience…it doesn’t mean that I am better than I was. It seems like I was better when I had more control…when I let problems roll of my back instead of pierce their way into my shoulder muscles. I feel a constant tension. Even writing about my fits of rage, I can feel the tense-ness in my shoulders and neck.
Mostly I try to laugh at myself. It can be hard in the raging moment. Part of it comes from the constant needs of someone else. Needs from my students, needs from my kids, my husband, family in general. I feel a constant pressure to perform to the highest expectation at all times. When I fail, I get mad. I’m also kind of a control freak. Here’s where my husband chimes in and says in his sarcastic tone kind of?? Yes, I like things done a certain way.
I just know they’re much more efficient than other ways. I am all about efficiency and time management and oh man, is this making you as sick and tense as me. Just tell me to chill the fuck out and smoke some grass. Let’s make that legal, huh?