Currently, it is 8:15 in the morning…Monday…I have the day off. I dread these days sometimes. I am forced to become a housewife for a day. I have to clean the whole house and catch up on all the duties that have been neglected for the past week while I’ve been working.
It’s just not the same when someone else does it…they don’t do it nearly right at all. This is part of the problem. My obsession with things being done my way. Seriously. It’s sick. And this only happens at my house. At work I am carefree and it doesn’t consume me, but in my own home, I’m like this crazy person! I also then resent the fact that no one can do it right but me, leaving me to do all the work. It’s this terrible vicious cycle.
I walked into the Lovelies’ bedroom this morning…now that is a piece of work. From the mangled loot containers to clothes that never quite make it into the dresser to odd things that I feel like I’ve never seen before. They are all spread across the floor. There’s a tent too. My mother bought them a tent for Christmas and it had to be put together immediately when we got it home. It now lives in their bedroom…and contains more and more of the paper scraps and clothes that make up the floor.
I can’t seem to ever make all these things disappear to my liking. I realize I have two young children and a husband that never notices if something is out of place or even dirty, for that matter. I notice. I notice everything. More often than not…it gives me severe anxiety. I feel like I can’t breathe when I look at all the stuff. Room to room, I can’t find any safe place to be without being haunted by it. The only way to make it go away is to take care of it myself. This usually leads to anger. Anger that I have to always clean up after everyone, anger that no one knows what a garbage it, anger that I am so angry about it, anger that I am just like my mother, anger breeds more anger.
It’s getting kind of depressing. I almost feel like the more I try to change it, the more I try to not get so angry…the angrier I get. What to do, what to do….
Smoke dope? That might help. I’ve never really been a pot smoker. Sounds like a good reason to try. Really, the anxiety keeps building….like I want to tear away my skin or claw my eyeballs out. This needs to be legal in my state so that it is at least an option for me to try out. I’ll be writing to my senator today. I’ll also be asking him for a whole new public school system. Between the two, he’d probably push the legal green first…much easier than education reform.