Fancy Feast


On our way to visit my brand new buddah nephew (a 10 pounder…welcome to the club, buddy!), the Lovelies and I stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up a card and gift card.  Having had two kids of my own…the amount of gifts that you get that you need the second time around is slim, the amount you get that you don’t need is ridiculous.  I’ve found that for baby #2, a gift card is the way to go.  The local Wally’s World also was the best choice because of the variety of items that they carry.  Diapers, clothes, candy, food, soap…whatever baby and mama need.

Because of this variety, and it being New Year’s Eve…the whole town was there today.  You would’ve thought it was Christmas Eve the way they were packed in there.  Scavenging for all the clearance sales.  As soon as I pulled in the parking lot I knew it was going to be a very interesting adventure.  People are vultures when it comes to parking.  I don’t really get it…because as soon as you get out of your car and walk into the store, you walk around the store, you walk and walk and walk.  So we already know that these people are perfectly capable of walking.  It wasn’t snowing, raining, or frigidly cold…it was a mild 47 degrees today.  All the snow was melting.  It was a touch foggy…but other than that, not a terrible weather day.  It’s laziness, methinks.  Unless these people are carrying out 3 TV’s or handicapped, they don’t need to wait with their blinkers on for parking spaces.  Bullshit.

As soon as we went inside, we bee-lined for the bathroom.  It was a good hour and a half drive…so the Lovelies had to relieve themselves.  No accidents, and all was well.  We trotted down to the card aisle and then back to the checkout without a glitch.  Among the 30 checkout lanes (I kid you not, there are like 30 lanes…maybe 35), there were maybe 5 open.  Because this particular Wal-Mart carries groceries also, there were tons of people in line.  They also have a few of the self check outs, which I love.  The less I can talk to someone who hates their job, the better.  I couldn’t exactly do that this time, with the gift card and all.  I had to add a monetary value to it.

So the best line that I could find was behind a total stereotypical cat lady.  She was probably in her 60’s, dark brown polyester slacks, an off white sweatshirt with a collar, and a pair of black orthopedic shoes.  Her hair was medium length, white and gray and super curly….like a little fro, but in a pyramid shape.  A pyramid fro.  She was buying shoe inserts and probably 75 tiny cans of cat food.

Talk about slow. as. molasses.  The checkout lady wasn’t exactly The Flash either.  I waited patiently, corralling the Lovelies away from all the other people in line and all the itsy bitsy irresistable items displayed perfectly at the checkout just for little paws.  Whoever decided to put snacks and candy at the checkout was brilliant.  Really, very good marketing.

Of course I was waiting to check out two things.  It was like something out of a movie.  There were just stacks and stacks and stacks of cat food!  First I saw the cat food…then I looked up to see who all these kitty meals belonged to…and I was not disappointed.  Now, I knew going into that store was going to be interesting.  It always is.  I always seem to bump into someone I know from High School also.  I made it out this time unscathed.

After we checked out, Lovely #2 had to actually go #2.  At least she wasn’t locked out.  I thought we were going to get in trouble for stealing because I had paid for my things and then went to the bathroom…and because we had gone to the bathroom when we first arrived.  It’s totally suspicious.  Only thieves buy things and steal things in the same trip.  We made it…we made it out of there alive.

It only took 25 minutes altogether….when it took 2 to pick out what we needed.  Ugh, damn the cat lady and her stupid little tin cans of cat food!  Doesn’t she even know that isn’t even good for your cat?  And she calls herself a cat lady.

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