Lame. This is lame. I feel all inside out and twisted. I am mad. My gut is telling me that all these things aren’t right. I have this pull to go where my spirit wants to take me…and then I have to go and think about it…and try to think logically about it. It’s lame. My brain ruins everything that it creates. I despise thinking sometimes, and yet, it is the most beautiful part of our existence.
Looking back on the past year…like we all do after we give bags of loot to our family and friends:
I feel like I’ve been giving and giving and giving all year….to people that are not friends and family. I haven’t given them physical things, but I’ve given so much of myself to them.
I just yelled at Lovely #1. I yelled at her to not be like me. I hear her…she sounds like me. I don’t like it…I don’t like some of the things I say and do and think. I want her to be her. I think the hardest part of being a mother…is being a mother. Being the authority, the one with all the responsibility, the cook, nurse, maid, therapist, life coach, the one…the one with all the answers, and none of the answers at the same time.
I have been thinking a lot lately. Too much about things that I shouldn’t think about. Think…
I had a stellar year. I think. No, I know I had a stellar year. I accomplished a lot of things that I wanted to…well, more than I actually planned in the past year. Looking ahead for the next year. What will I think about the year next year? What will be the constant theme running through my brain? Will I still be writing? Will I be scarfing down on 7up and rice krispie treats…because that’s all that my belly really wants to handle at the moment?
I am paranoid a lot lately. I’m a little delusional. I make up things in my head that I know don’t happen. I think too much about it. I am on the edge of someone’s out to get me and rational thought at all times. I feel like 2011 is the year that I should totally embrace the oddness that is me.
Embrace the paranoid,delusional, irrational, high and low, creative, idea-filled, nut job that I am! Why the fuck not? What have I really got to lose? All that is important is whatever I decide is important. duh. It’s all my choice. It’s the scariest shit ever. When people ask you what you want to be when you grow up…it’s the scariest ever!! Who knows exactly what they want to be? Maybe 2%. Everyone else is led by their parents, money, society, the idea of success…not what they truly truly truly want to do.
What do I want to do? Lay on the living room floor with big pieces of paper spread all around, awesomely awesome music in the background, sunshine, windows open, drawing and painting and laughing and having that YES feeling all the time. That feeling of look what I have created for nothing…for no one. Just for me, just because. Because I can and I want to. Visions of grandeur…constant grandeur.
That’s what we should ask kids…not what job do you want? What do you actually want to do and be and imagine that scene and strive for that.