many moons later

Many moons later, I emerge from my uninspired spat of hiding….confused, children screaming, squinty eyed.  I still am not quite ready for my new found me.  The new found me?  Yeah, it’s not really here yet.  It is supposed to be me, refreshed, inspired to take on a new chapter of life, to dive into new adventures with enthusiasm and intention.

All I seem to have found thus far are more and more blemishes on my face.  Zits.  And my pants don’t fit.  I am bitter.

My brain is mad at my body and my body is mad at my brain.  These two have not been cooperating for quite some time.  I feel like a useless referee on professional wrestling…just standing there watching as mass chaos ensues.  Eh, it’s not like I’m getting paid to be a referee.

Listen to me!  I feel like I am at this pivotal point of change in life, or in this point of my life…I know, it sounds a little cliche.  Anyways………I can feel it.  The anticipation of this something that is coming or this something that I will do.  I see all these signs pointing to all these things and I cannot choose.  I don’t know which decision is the right one.  Really, I could choose a bazillion things, and I cannot decide.  This battle between my mind.  Rational decision or creative, fulfilling decision?  Neither seems right.  Neither seems wrong.

I am also a little fed up with myself changing my mind every 2-3 years.  I start something and love it and then, a few years later…am a little bored and my eyes start wandering for the next best thrill.  And I am talking jobs and career and future.  It’s driven me crazy.  I am tired of wanting to change and don’t really want to change…but don’t really feel all that fulfilled anymore.  A little bitter, actually.

It’s a never ending battle.  There is no chance I will have this epiphany today while writing on my blog that I haven’t written on for weeks.  No chance.


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