I am pausing from my maniacal purging of the ‘stuff’ in our home. I had to stop. I was becoming a monster, infuriated with everything that I saw. ‘Why do we have this? Why are we keeping this? How many worlds do I need to sustain this living? Doesn’t anyone know there is recycling and garbage? Maybe the kids should only have 10 outfits each…this way I will only have one load of laundry instead of 4.’ It was like moving Armageddon…the end of the shit! Who will stay and who will be judged?
I mean…it’s sick how obsessive I get. I told my mom that I am a lunatic and went into this rant about how and why people find the need to give us more and more toys, when we obviously have enough. She agreed and told me of a time she used to throw shit around the garage when we were young.
It sent the rest of the family out on a bike ride. And I find myself finally at peace…after literally throwing things out the sliding door and onto the lawn. Seriously. Lunatic. It’s like I’m breaking up with all this shit and throwing it out onto the lawn, like ‘get the fuck out, we’re over!’
At any rate, I sat down to change the Sirius radio station from the 80’s to the 90’s. The 80’s, as lively and nostalgic as it was, almost sent me even more over the edge. Cindy Lauper, The Cure, Boy George…I mean, love them, but they were draining what was left of my energy, almost making me mopey. It wasn’t cleaning and packing music, it was curl up and die music. Like, making me want to put on all black and crawl under the covers and sob huge crocodile tears and write insightful poetry about birds. I can’t quite explain it.
With the switch to the 90’s, however, I got a huge energy surge! The memories that sprung from these songs. Bringing me back…to a time when I was so worried about everything. When I had slim self esteem but had the most creative energy. When music was a means to the end…of something! I mean, ‘What if God was one of us?’ and ‘Can I get a what-what?’ Awesome.
The song that really made me think back was that one that was featured in the movie Armageddon, with Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler. Yeah, it was awful, I know. But remember the Aerosmith song that went along with it? ‘Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.’ Also, not Steven Tyler’s finest. Strange that this song made me remember being 17. I am young…so figure out my age if you must.
When I was 17, I dated my first boyfriend, Chris. Now, he was ok…looking back. But as all 17 year old girls are, I was totally obsessed with him. He had a motorcycle and worked as a mechanic and always had dirty hands. He ate a lot of fried food but was still quite slim. He smoked sometimes, mostly to look cool around his friends, I think. I think it worked…I thought he was cool. I suspect he wasn’t the most popular in his group. He also had this really cool Oldsmobile Cutlass. It was blue. Yes. This song made me remember one summer day that we were driving in the country down Carsten’s Lake Road (one of the only roads we drive down) and this song was on the radio.
I could feel that he wasn’t really into me anymore…and I hoped that at hearing this song, that he would reach over and grab my hand or look at me with that ‘I still kinda like you’ look. I thought maybe if I displayed some emotion about the song that maybe he would agree. I also didn’t want him to think that I really liked the song either, because I didn’t and I knew he didn’t either. I did nothing. I sat and looked straight out the windshield, with him in my peripheral…scoping out his moves, his actions. He kept his hands on the wheel and his eyes on the road. I could tell he was thinking about something…and what I know he was thinking was ‘I hope she doesn’t want me to grab her hand or say something sweet, because I don’t want to.’
‘Don’t wanna close my eyes, don’t wanna fall asleep cuz I’d miss you babe, and I don’t wanna miss a thing.’ (vomit in mouth)
Looking back, I’m quite glad I didn’t end up living in his dad’s trailer home that he was destined to inherit…with the separate garage that was 2 times bigger than the house (no lie). In the country, cars and trucks trump beds and kitchens. I’m glad that I moved and went to college and got all the drinking out of my system, and got all the 90’s out of my system. But, I mean, the 90’s had some jams! Flip onto a 90’s station and you will undoubtedly sing along with every single song and think of a time when Grunge, original Boy Bands, and R&B ruled. Don’t tell me you don’t love some Boys 2 Men every now and then? Or a little Pearl Jam when you’re feeling like screaming? Or a little Madonna from back in the day? You know you recorded songs off the radio over and over again, and played them over and over while rollerskating in your basement. You know it.